I feel lost. I feel useless. I feel guilty. I feel angry.
This season has been so hard! And I have gone back and forth in my head about sharing these feelings because I feel that as a Christian, maybe I shouldn’t feel this way. Shouldn’t I be looking for the good in everything? Shouldn’t I be asking God what He wants me to do to serve right now? Shouldn’t I feel OK with taking a ‘break’ from everything I was doing prior to the pandemic? Shouldn’t I realize how blessed I am, when others have much less and a lot more bad things happening to them?
But… aren’t I also human? With very human emotions? Isn’t it OK for me to feel this way? Doesn’t God already know how I’m feeling? So many questions. So many feelings. I think the answer is, yes, He does know how I’m feeling. Yes, it is OK to have these feelings. And, yes, He does want me to go to Him with all of these questions and feelings! That’s how much He loves me!
So here it is. I want to sing at church again! I want to go to the store without pandemic rules! I want to hug people again! I want my son to be able to enjoy drumline, marching band and school again! I want to sneeze in public without feeling like everyone is staring at me! God… I know you can make this stop! So, why don’t you?
Am I the only one feeling this way? Kind of like a shell of a person? I mean, I see others who seem to be taking this all in stride. So why aren’t I? I was happy with my life before this pandemic. It was full of joy, serving and singing at church and going to my son’s competitions, among other things.
Then come those feelings of jealousy creeping in. Boy does the evil one love to use jealousy, doesn’t he? Like, why do some people get to continue in their ministry, when I can’t? Why can’t they figure out ways to include everyone? Why are all of the new ministry opportunities during the week when I can’t do it? I see so many videos and pictures of those who get to serve, while I’m working from home and making sure my son is completing his online school each day.
Am I even a good person anymore? What would I say if God asked me, ‘What did you do for my kingdom during the pandemic?’ What would I say?
Have I put my identity in all of those things? Am I feeling like this because of that? Or have I put my identity in Jesus? Our Father says, ‘My grace is sufficient for you.’ Oh man! That kind of stings! I mean, that is convicting my heart right now! You know why? Because I HAVE been putting my identity in all of those things, instead of where it belongs… in Jesus! I’m not allowing His grace to be sufficient for me! Maybe this is what God is trying to teach me.
Paul said in Philippians 4:12-13 I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.
I love how Paul credits everything to God! He is truly allowing God’s grace to be sufficient for him. This is how I want to be! This is what I’m allowing God to teach me.
I’m a work in progress! Thank goodness Jesus is so patient with me… because man am I stubborn!! Ha ha! He’s teaching me through these losses that my identity is found in Him and Him alone. That His grace is sufficient for me. Everything else… ministry, singing, and writing, will then fall into place. In His time.